Ai is not destroying humanity.
Because one is a repost.
There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh …equipment? " "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted….. …
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
I can do it with my eyes closed
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
It got mugged
They might be seeing someone on the side
It was touching.
Remains to be seen.
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
She looked surprised.
One was as-salted
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent…..
…in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
…until it is full groan.
God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?" "Yes Sir" Peter replied. With that God left and Peter called the first soul forward. "New rule mate. You have to tell me what your last day on Earth was like." Soul 1 says "Well it was not good i tell ya. I had long suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So i decided that i would leave work early to go back to my appartment on the 20th floor and catch her. When i got in the house i found my wife alone naked in bed, surprised to see me. So i start searching the house and couldnt find anyone. I was about to give up when i saw some finger tips on my balcony and sure enogh there was a man hanging there. So with out so much as a houd ya do i stomped on his fingers and down he went. Unfortunately he survived because some trees broke his fall so i grabed the closest heavy thing i saw, which happened to be my fridge, and threw it off the balcony. BAM got him dead on. I laughed so hard i had a heart attack and died." Peter though 'well he died laughing but he did find his wife cheating so i guess it was bad' so he let him through. Before he could consider the fact that he had just let a murderer into heaven another soul came forward. "Wait a minute mate. New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 2 said "It wasnt good sir. I was practicing yoga on my 21st floor balcony when i suddenly sliped over the balcony. Luckily i caught hold of the balcony below mine. Then, out of nowhere, this phyco comes storming out and stamps on my fingers. I fell but lived and as i was recuperating from my trauma i look up to see a fridge falling on me. Then i died" Peter at this point is laughing his arse off but waves soul 2 through. He then calls "Next!!" and soul 3 comes forward. Peter says "New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 3 says "Well picture this. Im naked in a fridge…"
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
It was soda pressing.