AI is the future
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How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
https://ift.tt/36At2xd
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
I asked my English teacher where the last name Smith came from
"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
So two aliens find their way to earth
They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
