Alabama Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
This is you too, Don’t lie
This is you too, Don’t lie
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
No text found
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
A book fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry
He has selfie steam problems.
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital
One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary. "My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?" The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode." "Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead." With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick. "Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!" Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.