Alcoholism good Family bad
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
Are iron chelators indicated in primary and secondary hemochromatosis or just secondary?
Zanki GI deck insinuates iron chelators are used for primary hemochromatosis, but the zanki pharm deck says you dont normally use them in primary hemochromatosis, and mainly just in secondary or iron toxicity.
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"