Alcoholism good Family bad
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
![Women bad (from Russian Boomers with love) [translated]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/jaa44pyha4e41-400x405.jpg)
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?” The man replies “Like a glove.”
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
I have the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
I can’t take my dog to the pond any more, the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”, but no-one knows why…
He’s become a Mister E…
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
If your nose runs and your feet smell
you're built upside down.
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
I was robbed by 6 dwarfs today.
Not happy.
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
