Alcoholism joke, chocolate good
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex
English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!" French Woman: And so what? Does it work? English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy! The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that. The next day the three women meet again. French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him " Antoine, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row! At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself. The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered. Her two friends asked her what happened. Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?"
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.