Algebra š
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. Theyāre sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trumpās shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says āNo way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melaniaās going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!ā Obamaās shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, āSure! My wife doesnāt know what a whorehouse smells like.ā
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
One company owner asks another: āTell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?ā
Bill replies: āEasy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.ā
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
Itās an extremely rare dish order.
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, āsave the womenā. A young mother says, āno save the childrenā. A lawyer says, āFuck the childrenā. A priest asks, ādo we have timeā?
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
To be frank.
Iād have to legally change my name.
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
I have a fear of speed bumps
Iām slowly getting over it
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, āGood morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?ā With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. āWait, ladies,ā cried the professor, āThe boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!ā
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
Once youāve seen one shopping center……
Youāve seen the mall.
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something…", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"… The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
Why didnāt the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security