Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: when a turtle becomes a tortoise 🐢
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen… Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer…. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.