Alkali memes
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I don’t know you, and This is my trampoline."
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Support your local mailman
On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash. At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars. At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him. When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him. "All this was lovely," John said, "but what’s the dollar for?" "Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar." "Breakfast was my idea!"
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma
Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them? Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not too bad! What about the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
9 months later!!!
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different!)
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I have some old dead batteries if anybody wants them.
They are free of charge.