ALL CAPS HAHAHA
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-1-400x413.png)
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck…
So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine. After they finished with their twenty minute alone time, Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?” Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony… The Golds are busy repainting their apartment… And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.” ”What?! How do you know the Browns were… uh… making love?” Mr. Smith asks. Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!”
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
