All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Uh oh-Where did the hacker go?
I don’t know, he ransomware
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar. The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad! The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices on me and threw me in a jar! The penis glaired at both of them and said, you assholes think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy someone puts a rubber trap over my head, sticks me in a dark room and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?