All hail the new king
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
Why is womenβs soccer so rare?
Itβs hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
Two irishmen, lost at sea…
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
Dead crows
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says βMy son I donβt know what youβre doing, but this isnβt funny.β The man saysβOh well, I guess you had to be there.β
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, βYou never make the first move.
βJesus!β I said as I rolled my eyes. βEvery night itβs the same thing.β βWell you donβt!β she moaned. βItβs always me and quite frankly Iβm fed up with it. And before you start, itβs nothing to do with you being black.β βIt is,β I said. βNo, it isnβt,β she said. βYou know what?β I said as I jumped out of the bed. βYou can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.β
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
How do the earthβs tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.
I told her it's just a plant
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Canβt say Iβm surprised.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasnβt opened it yet.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
No text found
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
What’s the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
Thatβs Swede of you
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, βWho is this guy?β Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin