All he wanted was a bite
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.