All I want for Christmas is…
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
I was addicted to soap once.
Now I’m clean
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said “yes!”
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
