All my assets have been frozen….
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
I was addicted to soap once.
Now I’m clean
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
How do you write a cliffhanger?
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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!