All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
My Patient just told me this joke and i can’t stop laughing
George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise. On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought – who could it be ? Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door. As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels. As he says Hi, she replies – Are you George ? He says- Yes, I am. She says – I am from SuperSex. George pauses for a minute. And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”