All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
https://youtu.be/QR5v579LsWA
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist
The madam of a whore house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in Rabbi’s garb.
"May I come in?" asked the Rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But Rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we…" "I know what you do here," interrupted the Rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The Rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The Rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the Rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The Rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The Rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The Rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the Rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the Rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the Rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is fifteen hundred dollars.”
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
So he isn’t spotted
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
