All my tiredness goes away when I need to go to bed
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
What are Mexican proteins made of?
Amigo acids
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, “Shit man, I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a good, solid reason for your insane speeding that I've never heard before, I promise you that I will let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Officer, few years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.