All Nobel laureates in Physics in History (1901-2019)
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!" The husband said, "I think she choked."
Fuckin Bizarro World….
Sometimes you have to be cruel.
I don’t live in your reality
“It’d be a real shame if you got disemboweled”
In a magazine on the train
404 Decorations Not Found
Game good wife bad
When you order something online versus when it arrives
Shared by my mother in law in the family group chat
Job requirements these days
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Laughs in Google.
Vote him out in November
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him “You know what my name is.”
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.
A new kind of pandemic
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
If media published Trump’s speeches as he talks!
Rick spitting facts
6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
When input validating is too much effort
Election Day Is Coming, Folks…
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
We just dont know
Pretty gourmet shit he’s done here
I’m as humble as equal sign.
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else
Even God uses semi-colons
Sudo kill me
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
no one could have predicted this
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
I also swear that I’m not lying about it
It be like that.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
No words for this
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
To prevent injury?
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
Current state of American politics
I’m doing my best, OK!
Holiday Conversation Starters For The Bored And The Brave.
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
Check the comments for the article(s) about the photos
Don’t know why boomers hate their partners so much
Found this on Facebook. Wife Bad.
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"