All novels written in Braille system are overrated because they have a blind fan base.
I’ve just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs…….I said "very little."
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesnโt approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. โJohnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? โWhat, are you lying?โ โNope, you need to keep clear of that business sonโ Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasnโt tried to take things to the next level. โJohnny, are you attracted to me? Weโve been together for months and you havenโt tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?โ Johnny replies, โWhen I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. โThatโs sillyโ, she says, โlet me show youโ. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. โSee! No teeth!โ Johnny looking horrified says โ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!โ
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
My wife just got her breast pump going…
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "Ok…" "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "Wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache." "Ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife
He says to the doctor, โDoctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.โ โWell,โ the doctor replied, โgo home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesnโt reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that weโll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.โ Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, โHoney, whatโs for dinner?โ He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, โHoney, whatโs for dinner?โ She replies, โFor the fourth fuckin time, chicken!โ
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terribleโs about to happen… I can feel it…
I didnโt know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I canโt believe Iโve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that Iโm going for a jog and then I donโt…
Itโs my longest running joke of the year so far…