All novels written in Braille system are overrated because they have a blind fan base.
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
Where does the cynic go to pray ?
The Cynicgogue
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!