All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
![Funnyandsad [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/7uz6q1ylknq41-400x655.jpg)
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
