All Warsaw banks
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
This playstore thing. Never gonna keep up with them. That’s why people look apple.
https://ift.tt/2NJO8lF
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
https://ift.tt/2TluzDs
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!