All women are created equal then a few become Engineers.
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”