All you need to know about linux in one picture
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now…
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My wife got me a hideous leather jacket, but I don’t mind wearing it.
I’m easily suede.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?