Almost Perfect!!
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
This playstore thing. Never gonna keep up with them. That’s why people look apple.
https://ift.tt/2NJO8lF
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
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if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.