Almost Perfect!!
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
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I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
Why is McDonald’s so exact about how many French fries they give you?
They operate on a shoestring budget.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
My infant son crapped his pants while I was voting today.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
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