ALPHA! BRAVO!! RED SIGN!!!
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
Landing on the Moon
In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. ‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked. ‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’ ‘The Moon?! Hmm… could you then do me a favor?’ ‘What do you want?’ ‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’ ‘What’s the message?’ The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly. ‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts. ‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’ The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message. When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off. ‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’ 'It says – Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
