Alpha male!
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
13% 18-29 voter turnout in California. Vote for your future. BTW not American. (OC)
https://ift.tt/3coY4eO
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.