Also snapped a g string
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
Yes the late Christmas present
So today is 2020 and…
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
You have what?
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
Just had my first exams…
Thank you Alexa, very cool
I just want to see Windows Troubleshooting source code before I die
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought… Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men…it's a trap. There's two of them."
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Saggitarius A* is the blackhole at center of Milky Way
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
wife = dumb, husband = drunk asshole
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Haha, women bad, amirite?
Doctor: You’re going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why? Doctor: Because it's distracting.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
translation: sorry we ran out of gloves
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.
Because it’s made in China.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Why, God? Why?!
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
When you finished your project… (#3edition)
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
asking for a friend
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
Killing a child
I do inquire
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
//a comments meme
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Idk he’d probably still find a way
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Facebook Marketplace strikes again.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Fake Commercial #6 – Personal ID
What is 5Q + 5Q?
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
Imagine dying and you hear this is playing in the background
My girlfriend told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo..
That's when I had to put my foot down.
omg rofl HE WAS AN EMPLOYEE!
sad but true
When you give up on fixing the bug
Slightly funnier than the rest I think
Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."