Also the angles
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
My wife left me for an Indian guy
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.