Altar boy goes to confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
π¨βπ»How To Pretend You Are An Awesome Developer π| funny (Sketch)
https://youtu.be/EA2URxZzcKc
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
AFL, one of the most well-known security fuzzer, recently has got purchased by Google. I was upgrading my own code modification based on the pre-Google version AFL to the recent Google-owned newer version, then I found out they “civilized” some of the developer’s comment. Mildly interesting.
https://ift.tt/2NdkW57
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
Why canβt a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I wasnβt sure if I liked my beard…
But itβs growing on me.
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
People think that βqueueβ is just βqβ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters arenβt silent. Theyβre just waiting their turn.
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.