Alternative Friends
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
Support feudalism!
It's your count who votes!
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”
Just sold my homing pigeons on eBay.
For the 22nd time.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.