Always 😭😭😭🔥
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh…yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."