ALWAYS BE FUNNY 😂
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
My mom just told me, “ Don’t forget that tomorrow is Mother’s Day.”
I said, “Remember, it’s also son day.”
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party… As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos — or just midnight. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them. The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed in the least. I had gotten away with it, I thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
