Always blaim your actions on other people.
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
They ignore my existence unless they need something
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
He fingered a minor.
Christmas is coming
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
They operate on a shoestring budget.
They each got six months.
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
It was just a mean thing to say.
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
You boil the Hell out of it
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
Because the paper is light.
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
I'd have to change my name
Nothing, they fast.
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
She has the worst stutter ever.
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.