Always deploy on Friday
Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
I will never be the same after seeing this
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
Lisp in a nutshell
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
I came across an old friend at today’s Army Navy game
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
the emoji adds a nice touch
A Roman walks into a bar …
A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "you mean martini?" "No, just one."
Haha they made dark mode a real thing
Not me. It’s you
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
rutherford roxx thompson soxx
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I’m very sorry for creating this
Why are snow cones never sold with lemon flavor?
Well, you should know.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
He is the Messiah!
It’s 4AM and I have nowhere else to send this meme I made…
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Your savior is here
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
The biggest problems are the ones you can’t see
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
I like Bernie
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
tweeting all morning is such a hard job 😂
It is 40˚ outside
Merry Christmas To All You IT Guys and Gals!
Found in a supermarket
thought this would also fit here
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
The more the better
Starbucks fans bad
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Imagine getting this card though..
Big Brain Time
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
Nobody uses flairs anymore. Best practice is to use titles.
Not gonna lie but I laughed a little.
Don’t be like him. Don’t drink the bleach!
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
Just the tip..
Made directly after a science test
Trump on coronavirus testing, March vs. April
Coming from C, Python is not intuitive
Just had my first exams…
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.