Always funnier when you repeat the joke
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios…"
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Finding Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again — but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
A Mini-soda
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
My wife told me vacation sex was the best…
Worst postcard ever.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.