Always hogging the covers

I have lots of unemployment jokes…

but none of them work.

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks…… “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?

"

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”

"Is it something I said?" "Yes."

Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.

He can now ride a bike without training wheels.

last night a girl asked me for sex and i had to disappoint her

we had sex

Certain Olympic events should be thrown out

Discuss

It would literally be the only thing they ever talked about

https://ift.tt/2SyfOLQ

pewdiepiesubmissions is the very definition of this sub

Also, it takes organs to have guts

It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…

It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him. One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?" Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?

Haha showerthought

Storm Ciara

I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode

A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery.

BURN!!!!

I’ve decided to sell my roomba,

It was just collecting dust anyway.

fitness

https://ift.tt/3c4On4u

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’ At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’