Always remember to remove your debug statements

After a long day, it was nice to hear someone compliment my homemade bread.

I kneaded that.

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

When albert realized that there is more to life than physics

https://ift.tt/2YdPkCc

Microsoft Edge Has A New Logo And..

https://ift.tt/2NFAwXs

I met Tom Hanks today!

I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…

Private Eye magazine is a goldmine

https://ift.tt/2WktgGi

Roses are red,

My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.

I’d Love to know what happened

https://ift.tt/2zixchr

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.

I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.

A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer. Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!” The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.” So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “Wow! That tastes just like Coke!” “Yup, and now turn it around.” The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said “ Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!” He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar. A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said “Hey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!” The bartender said “Go a head and take a bite” So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously “Huh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.” “Mmhm. Now turn it around” The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. “That tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!” A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. “Dude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!” Said the first man. The second chimed in “Yeah man, it’s incredible!” He held up his apple “I’m on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!” The new man thinks about his order and says “Anything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!” So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart. The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar. “EEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it… it tasted… it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!” That’s when everyone in the bar shouted “TURN IT AROUND!”