Am I normal?
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.
On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Ohhh … God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
![Chaplin + Chopin (sound on) [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-170-400x247.png)
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
