Am I the only one that’s getting tired of these captions?
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now…
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…