This is you too, Don’t lie
This is you too, Don’t lie
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
https://ift.tt/35Jd7fO
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".