Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview.
The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it.
The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same.
He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player.
He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?"
The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?"
The interviewer says "Yes"
"Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
Are your kids twins?
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice …"
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."