Amazing
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Being an undertaker is a lifeless job.
No text found
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, โIf I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?โ I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. โWellโ I said, โIf he can get out of that, weโll call him Houdiniโ.
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, โMommy Mommy, if Iโm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?โ โWeโll see!โ, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling โMommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!โ โThatโs amazing Darling!โ, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. โMommy Mommy, if Iโm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?โ โWeโll see!โ, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling โMommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!โ โThatโs amazing Darling!โ, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. โMommy Mommy, if Iโm a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?โ โWeโll see!โ, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling โMommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!โ โThatโs amazing Darling!โ, Mom replies. Little Tommy canโt believe his luck. โMommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!โ Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while youโre a head.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them โI understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.โ
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: โUgh, thatโs the ugliest baby Iโve ever seen.โ
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: โThe driver just insulted me.โ The man says: โYou go up there and tell him off. Go on, Iโll hold your monkey for you.โ
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wifeโs clothes
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
I saw a communist joke the other day,
I just had to share it with everyone
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"