AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and AMD employees infront of FANBOYS!
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)
A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese – $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef – $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
Microsoft is killing off support for Windows 7, which is used on a third of PCs globally
https://ift.tt/2uQvjqf
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
What do you call 2 fat goths?
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.