AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and AMD employees infront of FANBOYS!
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
Sometimes I go out and commit crimes
Just to feel wanted
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards it’s even more stupid
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work…
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
What rhymes with orange
No it doesn’t.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
