AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and AMD employees infront of FANBOYS!
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
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A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! “What was that?” she asks. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. “What was that?!” she asked anxiously. “Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” The lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady. “But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
Most puns make me feel numb.
Math posts make me feel number.
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?” Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . .
My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
