AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and NVIDIA employees infront of FANBOYS!
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming…
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww!
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person’s regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”
the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “No.” Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.” A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?” Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “Hell yeah!” Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
