AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and NVIDIA employees infront of FANBOYS!
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.” “Where’s President Trump clock?” asked the man. “Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…