AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and NVIDIA employees infront of FANBOYS!
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
