Amen to that!
The wheel installer at the auto factory told me, “Man, I’m so tired.”
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
England doesn’t have a kidney bank…
But they do have a Liverpool
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
(Long joke, continues in body) Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note… And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance