America 2020
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
https://ift.tt/3b7zJsh
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college…
The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise. A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about. “Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Tools” the Student replied. The man’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, “This whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?” he asked. The student replied, “Oh don’t let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!”
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
Why did the man take his Toyota to the ER?
It had Corolla virus
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
How tall is Kanye West?
Oh, about Ye high
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.