AmERIcA WiLL NeVeR eLecT a DemOCratIC SoCiALisT
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch. The woman's husband comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice to know." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside" Man – "Ok then, how much" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy "how much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." They boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says "$500" The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… That is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to the church so you can confess to your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boys says "Dark in here." The Priest says "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
69 fought 70
71
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
