AmERIcA WiLL NeVeR eLecT a DemOCratIC SoCiALisT
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
If you can’t come, let me know
I will find you, I have contacts!
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch. The woman's husband comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice to know." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside" Man – "Ok then, how much" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy "how much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." They boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says "$500" The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… That is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to the church so you can confess to your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boys says "Dark in here." The Priest says "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
Tell him Obama put it in
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
They have jam sessions!
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
He always catches the snitch
I was left hanging.
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
A pouch potato!
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
Because they were not E
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
It shall be a security gourd
Never mind, you won’t get it.
They are lined up for blocks.
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
I now have four.