American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"
"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"
"I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".
"And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
Facts don’t care about your feelings
I guess this is ok..
What if it drops in a single day?
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
Gotta be sortable
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
Reality is often disappointing.
Disney+ throwing some shade that hit too close to home.
Something has to CHANGE.
A quick lesson for the American xenophobes
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
Republicans are brainwashed
I want my data fast!
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
Actually good boomer comic
Testing in Production
Phone = bad
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
Exactly six years ago, there was a tweet. There’s *always* a tweet.
Let’s hope this works…
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
C++ is the language of gods
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
Why don’t dolphins have legs?
It would de-feet the whole porpoise…
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Someone finally put it into terms even Trump can understand
Say my name
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
Did I mention I’m a vegan who watches anime?
I’m in this picture and I don’t like it
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
Climate skeptics prepare to fight that good fight.
Diane, quick, they’re behind you!
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
Cats always know who doesn’t like them lol…
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
“/*” – ide: *screams* … “*/”
Hard Drive Needle
hi hi dad i’m dad i’m dad
From our friendly Mr. Pooh bear
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Exactly what all women did
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Phone bad biscuit good
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
It only takes one
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
Contain the spread.
Somebody share this on r/conservative
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Kids evidently don’t feel a natural sense of competition anymore.
Meanwhile in Lebanon
Remember Panama Papers? Trump & Bloomberg do!
What a snowflake
Hello Twitter world
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
Impeached Florida man rages impotently at permanent legacy stain
yeah no im just smart
Wife make old
DAE kids and wife bad? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Saggy pant bad