Americans going full mommy to escape the coronavirus
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell
In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever." The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump". "That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender: "I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?" "Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!" "Wait a second" – Trump can't believe his ears – "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?" -Everything is ours now! We have conquered them! -Then what about Ukraine? -It's also controlled by our government now! -I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey? The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!" Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement: "I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?" "350₽, comrade!"
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
I’ve failed in Maths more times than I can count.
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What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
If you have more than one cellphone,
You're a multicellular organism.
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day